my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
