Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
