Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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