Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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