Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
