i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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