I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fill condoms, not promises.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
