your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
