I'm sorry my penis didn't work
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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