We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
