mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
