sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
