you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
