Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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