i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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