Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
