People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
