News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
