So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
