You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
