Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
