I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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