Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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