god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
