I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
