Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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