Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
