toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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