I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
