there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
