Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
