I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
