Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
