I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
