Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
