a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
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Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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