You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
