i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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