The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
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He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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