So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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