Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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