and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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