The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
