That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
