fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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