Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize