My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
