I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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