Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
