SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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