I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
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He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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