I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
my poor anus
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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