I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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