i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
