Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
