Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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