U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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