The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
